Ok, that's a risque title, but let me explain.
Life is good here in the country. Notice I said "Good," and not "Perfect." "Perfect" would be having the west fence up, having a tractor to make our work easier, having enough money and supplies to build this place into the ranch we dream of."Perfect" would mean I could take in, take care of, and adopt out every animal that comes across my path. "Perfect" would be kids that get along all the time, a fridge and freezer that is always full, and laundry that does itself.
"Good" is the fact that we have enough work to pay our bills. "Good" is that my children are normal and healthy. It's "Good" that I can touch a few lives through my many jobs, be they animal or human lives.
My passion is so strong! It almost overrules my sense sometimes. For instance, I know good and well exactly how many animal I have room for, and how many I can afford to feed. and it's not that many. And yet every night, I go to bed thinking I haven't done enough. I haven't helped enough, saved enough, rescued enough. I've had to turn down animals lately, because this place just isn't ready yet. I've had to say "no" to people who have asked for help, whether it's with animals, personal stuff, kids, community or Zumba. I just can't do it all. I expect too much of myself, I guess, because honestly! Who CAN do it all? And yet I wish....
I wish I could say yes every time someone says to me, "I just don't have time for this horse. Can you take him?" How very sad... and yet, I barely have time for my own.
I wish I could say yes every time the call goes out for us to rescue a baby bird or a stray cat, but honestly, I just can't! We don't have the funds or resources to take care of everything.
I wish I could donate to help the community, the Chamber of Commerce. I haven't even paid my own membership yet! But I help wherever I can.
And yet I lie awake at night wondering what else I can do?
Did I do enough housework? Did I spend enough time on my Zumba career? Did I help my husband enough today with OWC? Did I hug my kids? Do they know I'm proud of them?
I'm not saying my plight is any different than anyone else's. I know good and well there are people facing tougher issues than mine. But still, I am awake, my passion for my many jobs burning late into the night, my mind buzzing with WHAT? When? How? Can I? Should I?
A lady called me about a horse that her father rescued, a small pony who had been dumped on a wildlife reserve. She wanted to know if I could take him. I wanted to say YES!!! Bring him to me, I will love him, I will see he is placed in a good home. But I can't. Where he is now, he has green grass and room to roam. He's in no danger. He's already been rescued. She just didn't have time for him. And that's not my job. It's not what I do. My passion is helping to heal those broken, discarded, neglected animals, who have known so little of human trust and interaction. He didn't fit my mission. Is he any less deserving of my time? NO! But I must pace myself and my resources for those who may truly need me.
Right now, for instance, I have Twister. Yes, I STILL have Twister. Poor fella, no one seems to want him. We get a few calls, but no one comes to look at him, and those who do decide he's not for them. I've considered keeping him, but he needs work, and I have no where to set up the round pen and work with him. Yet.
If it were up to me, and I had unlimited funds and capable willing people to do the work, this ranch would be ready to go YESTERDAY. I'd have a barn, a place for the round pen, feeding stalls, and all the green grass the animals could stand. But it doesn't happen over night.
And so, I go to bed, exhausted, but unable to fall asleep, because my passion is higher than my bank account can handle.
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