Reg is out of town this weekend. He's had to make a few work-related, overnight trips in the last couple of years. Once or twice he's been several states away while on business, but usually his trips are just a few hours away from home. This is one of those trips. And really, it doesn't matter if he's 500 miles away, or just over to the next county. My feelings are the same.
In the past (meaning before the last 2 years or so) it didn't bother me to be alone. I wouldn't sleep well the first night, but by the second night, I was okay with it. I could go about most of my day, with little worry, and not spend every moment wondering if he's okay, or when is he going to call, or thinking that I couldn't wait for his to be home to make me feel safe again.
I used to be strong and independent. I had to be. I was married and divorced at a young age, I had 2 small children at the time, and I had to be strong. Even once Reg and I were married, I was jaded. I couldn't trust fully that we would stay together, so I had to be strong.
In the youthful arrogance of my 20s, I thought that while I wanted him, I didn't need him. I could do it on my own, I thought. I could work and take care of a house and kids, and pay bills and get through every day on my own, if I have to. It was a wall I built around myself, 4 feet thick, made of the strongest stone there was, insulation from the fear of being alone.
In my 30s, after 10 years of marriage, I find myself without walls, without protection from the fear. Slowly, over those 10 years, his love and loyalty and protection broke down those walls. I NEED him. He is an extension of my body and my heart. He is my strength. He holds me up, like a steel truss in the structure that is our life together.
And now I see that he didn't tear down my walls at all. He simply replaced them with himself. He became my protection, my strength, my support.
I have said it before, and I will say it again. Jennifer, you and the Kids are my reason for being. You were my long lost best friend that I had never seen when we first met, and as I have found we're kindred spirits, you have done far more for me, than I can ever hope to repay. So the most I can do is my best, and give my word that I will love you for the rest of my life. You are my best friend and wife, and I could not be more honored just to know you for you. I love you honey, and thank you for great kids and wonderful years.
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