Yeah, it's been a while. Just go with it :)

I feel like I’ve spent the last week or so fighting invisible foes.  

 Unseen - or maybe unforeseen – enemies pop up out of nowhere.  Enemies I can’t seem to get my hands on.

It’s like someone set loose the Bad Luck Gnomes to wreak havoc in my brain. OK, well maybe that’s overstating it a bit. I know my problems are very small compared to some, but still…. There I was, floating along on my little cloud of happiness, and Wham! Within two weeks:

• my heater is out,
• my computer died an agonizing death and left me stranded with no files backed-up,
• Hubby’s computer lost all his files while he was trying to fix mine,
• Hubby needs a new truck,
•  I have the worst case of hives in years,
• And lastly, I discovered that sometimes I’m just not enough.

Now, to elaborate: The heater works - intermittently. And it makes a huge clunking noise when it shuts off. Needless to say, I’m very thankful for the mild weather we’ve had so far. The part is on order, but I haven’t heard A. SINGLE. WORD! From the heater-man. Aggravating. I can’t fight this one, if no one returns my calls. ~sigh~

After four agonizing days without my computer, I got it fixed, had a new hard drive installed, and was told the info on my old hard drive was unrecoverable. $380 later, I have a new hard-drive and a working computer, but little else – including hope. And patience. I’m all out of that too. Thankfully, my friend Lisa has her Computer Geek. Working on my old hard-drive, and there’s a tiny bit of hope that my info can be recovered. I can’t fight this one and win, I have to hire someone to fight it for me.

Hubby figured if he bought Windows7, he could install it on his computer, copy it to mine, and VIOLA! Problem fixed! Not so, my friends. Windows7 is not an upgrade from Vista, and required a hard install, meaning anything Hubby hadn’t backed up recently was lost. ~sigh again~ Furthermore, it requires separate licenses on separate computers, unlike older versions of Windows Programs. Ouch, expensive for a non-fix! If I’m fighting anything here, it’s the urge to smack myself in the head for throwing good money after bad.

Hubby’s truck has been showing signs of distress for a couple of years now.  We’ve had the transmission rebuilt twice, and still it struggles. It’s time to say good-bye to the Dodge. However, buying a vehicle on credit when you’re self-employed isn’t easy. So we’re fighting with the loan companies who want pay-stubs, when all we have are tax-returns to prove our income.  Ay-yi-yi! So we continue to push the poor Dodge well beyond its usefulness. I’m fighting anonymous people with understandable rules that shouldn’t necessarily apply to everyone. And I’m not winning, by the way.

The hives… What can I say? My skin looks like raw meat in places, and itches infernally. It’s my own fault, but I assure you, my motives were pure. I wanted to save money! So I made my own laundry detergent. I was informed that for $9 I could make 6-9 months-worth of laundry detergent. Since I easily spend $20 a month or more on laundry detergent and fabric softener, I thought, “why not?” Let me tell you why not:

HIVES!!! And did I save any money? NOOOO!!!! Because I had to spend $54 for the doctor to tell me what I already knew, and $26 for medication that will make me hungry and moody. Like I need that! I’m fighting myself on this one. It just is what it is. 

And that last one? The one about not being enough? Well, what can I say? I’m a “fixer” by nature. I’m a helper. I’m the person that will do everything I can to make sure someone else feels better.  But despite my best efforts (which sometimes go unappreciated or unnoticed, and that’s ok, since I don’t do it for recognition) sometimes there is just nothing more I can do to help. I fight helplessness in this instance, and I don’t like it. It’s the invisible foe. The unseen enemy. It sneaks in when I’m not looking and whispers to me:

“Why? Why can’t you fix this? Why can’t you make the impression that needs to be made? What else could you do? What haven’t you tried yet?” 

This fight is my most difficult, though it leaves no open wounds, raw skin, itchiness, or financial disaster in its wake. This fight leaves me spent, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m a control freak (my closest friends and family already know this about me) and I hate the feeling that there is nothing I can do. I hate realizing that all my exhaustive attempts have been fruitless. That this ONE THING is out of my control and there’s nothing more I can do. I can’t fix everyone. I can’t fix ANYONE. I can only love them and pray for them, and hope that someone is praying for me too, because  I just can’t fight anymore.